Lonliness Fades
by Ritoshchan
Summary: What will happen to Ichigo if the person he puts in his heart died? What will he do if he found her again?


Here is my first ever Fanfic! *yay*.

**Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine.

**Loneliness Fades**

It may be the end but our story will forever last. That is the very last sentence she said to me. That is the last sentence she said to me before she went away, forever. I don't want to accept it, never wanted to. But as she cried under the pouring rain, drenched with blood and sorrow, I cannot do anything but wept. I cannot do anything but accept the fact that we will again go to our separate ways. It hurt so much to see the very woman who made me whole kissed me goodbye. It was like the world around me stopped as what happened to my heart that very moment. She always made me feel this way whenever we leave each other but it is a more painful because I knew deep in my heart we will never see each other again. I hate it. I never want this kind of feeling. I felt there was a rat inside me that keeps gnawing my heart severely and achingly. I went on asking myself why? Why her and not me? Is this the answer I received after asking if we are really meant to be? Is this the result of believing that yes we are really meant for each other? I listened but no reply came. I cried but no one comforted. I shouted but nothing echoed. The one I expect to died in front of me.

I am walking in the rain right now. I really hate it, the rain. Instead of cleaning my soul, it only makes me feel pain and loneliness. It was raining when my mother died and rained again when the woman I put in my heart passed away. The rain is a curse to me because even if I hate it, it stays in my heart, in my soul. When was the last time it stopped? Oh I remember clearly. It is the day when I saw her smile again after I saved her. I'm standing now on the place she first left me. The day when she put her back towards me and walked away, saying that she will not forgive me if I go and chase after her, is the day I could not forget. I saw her eyes wet with tears. She shed tears for me. The girl I only knew for about two months shed tears for me. I want to grab her and protect her from anything, from anyone. I want to protect her so much but it end up she protecting me. She is the person who gave me the very first thing I want in my whole life. The power that I desire so much it makes me ache. But when she came and thrust his sword in my heart, everything change. My immobilized world started to rotate again. Yet, I cannot protect the sole person who lit my life again. That is why I trained hard and fought to regain that power. In the end, I succeeded and the rain went off. Because of her beautiful and heartwarming smile, I let the rain go.

I started to walk again. I let my legs lead me to everywhere they wanted to go. In my surprise, I found myself in front of my mother's grave. I just noticed then that the rain became a drizzle. Is it symbol? Is it a sign for me to move on and to let go. No, I cannot. I don't know what will happen to me if I let go and move on. Clinging to every memory is the only thing that makes me keep walking again. It is the only reason I keep standing. Letting go means dying to me. It may wound me when I remember but it will kill me when I forget. I saw a shadow beside me but when I look I saw nothing but those lonely trees.

"Trees ah" I heard myself saying. Will I see Rukia Kuchiki if I climbed a tree? Will I feel her presence there? Without thinking deeply, I rushed to the tree wherein I let her listen to my desires. I heard my heart throb so hard as if it wanted to smash through. I never thought that my heart is capable of that. It amused me to realize that my body keeps on doing different things because of Rukia. It made me really believe that I can see Rukia behind that tree. But when I look and act like a child playing hide and seek, I knew that she is not there. I heard someone laugh then eventually became a sob. It was me who I heard.

I run. I don't know what happened but my legs begun the run and fast. Am I chasing something or running from it? But I keep on running until my legs started to go lax. That's when I saw someone. Not a sheer shadow but a real figure. I don't recognize her but I know I am the only one who could see her. She is a ghost, rather, a soul. It's been a long time since I saw one. I don't know if it is because I locked my powers inside me or because I don't really cared to notice anything. But it felt so norm to finally witness one again.

"Are you okay Mister?" She asked me with her child's curious tone.

"aah. Yah" I vaguely replied. I cannot make a coherent thought. With her smile and cheerful amber eyes in contrast with my sad amber one, it is hard for me to shove her away. I stare away from her.

"Why are you running? You seem so sad. I want to comfort you but you eventually ran away. Are you afraid of me?" The tone of her voice changed. Her cheerful face became sober. I saw then, the sadness in her eyes. Funny is it, that when I thought she has a very joyful aura, I felt that we shared the same feeling – full of sadness. My heart can read everything that my mind could not fathom.

"Are you afraid of me? She asked again.

This time I smiled.

"No. Never"

"Then why did you run?"

She was the shadow I happened to glimpsed moments ago, I thought. But I cannot answer her question because even I don't know the real reason why.

"It's not because of you. I just felt to do so." I finally replied after a minute of full silent.

"You know what Mister, sometimes if you feel something just shout it. Do not lock it in your heart. If you let it go out, your heart would be lighter. My mom kept telling me that. I remember a time when I broke my doll. I did not say it to everyone even to my mom. I really love that doll because that was the last present my dad gave to me. But I kept it to myself until my stomach made full of knots. It is hard to eat then. Eventually, mother noticed my eyes, the eyes of a person who hide something. She then told me to say what I feel. When I did that, even though the doll was not fixed, I felt relieved and lighter. Try it Mister. It may never solve your problem but surely, it will make you at ease."

At ease. Those last words made me tremble. What made me at ease? I then remembered and put my hands on the child's temple.

"You know what kid, you are so chatty. I hate those kind of people." I smiled and this time genuinely. The child replied by smiling at me equably."You remind me of the person that is as chatty as you. I met her in my room, intruding my sanctuary with that cool and aristocratic look. She really looks like a brat you know. With her short body and petite look, you could actually assume that she is just a mere child. She wears a black robe and had a sword besides her. In fact, I kicked her when she attempted to wield it" I started to laugh then and I heard the child laugh too.

" Anyways, I found out that she is a shinigami. You know what shinigamis are? She shook her head and I started to explain it. She laughed again when I told her that Rukia explained the same thing to me while sketching it. And laughed again when I told her Rukia has the most awful drawings and loved bunny stuffs.

"We became friends then, others even thought we are more than that. But there was a time when they took her away from me. It hurt me so much because I really wanted to protect her with all my heart but she again protected me."

I saw the sadness in her eyes that reflected what I feel inside me. But I kept on telling her about how I regained my powers and how I fought with everyone that is against my will.

"I succeeded on saving her. Before, I thought I want to save her out of debt but then I realized that I'm doing it because I want to stop the rain in my heart and that I want to see her smile again. She is so important to me. She was the one who changed my world. "

I stop. I started to look over the clouds and focus my eyes in it hoping to see Rukia's image for a moment. This time, my imagination did not betray me. I smiled and fumbled for an encouraging word that would make me have the resolve to tell the rest of my happily-never-after story. I end up with the word _idiot. _I stare to nowhere and started to continue my story. Yet after saying the three words 'but then she' my tongue started to twist. Just thinking Rukia already passed away made my stomach stung. I cannot say it. I thought I hold enough courage to say it but I still don't posses such powerful thing. Just when the child brushed her hands to my cheeks made me noticed that I'm weeping and hard.

"Don't push yourself Mister. If you don't want to say then don't. I can wait. If you are ready to say it then I am just here. I cannot let you say it to me when it will leave you wounded and aching. Until you are ready, you can say it then"

Those words made me at ease because it reminds me of Rukia. The time when she said the same thing to me made me at ease. I never thought I'll hear those words again and I never thought that it will make me at ease again. I met a girl that really reminds me of her.

"You sure are a chatty girl". I will not give this child a soul burial yet. I want to chat with her for a moment. I hope they will let me.

"What is your name kiddo?"

"It's Rukia" she thrust her hand towards me.

"Ichigo" I grab it.

And then I knew loneliness fades little by little.

See you again, Rukia.


End file.
